I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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