Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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