this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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