You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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