john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
