She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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