Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
