I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
farters have to be the big spoon...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
