sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
