Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Everclear isn't food dammit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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