Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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