I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
