It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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