We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
