I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
