You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Congratulations! We have a period
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