She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
