and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
