Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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