I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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