Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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