He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i drank out of a bidet.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
