Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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