3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
