so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
