Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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