My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
