We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
