there were more penises there than on chat roulette
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
