Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
