Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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