two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
