If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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