the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
