you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
