I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
