I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
