Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just gift wrapped bread.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
