dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Your penis caused this!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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