so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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