Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
