He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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