I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
