There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
