That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
