she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
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Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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