eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize