Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
