you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
