When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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