someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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