Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
