I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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