we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
