I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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