I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
