It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
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