He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
