we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
