it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
