Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
