I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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