he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
