you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
