she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
