oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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