I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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